Through his Calm Parenting podcast, dad Kirk Martin has become a spokesperson for parents desperate to stop power struggles with their kids. Based on his experience with his own son Casey, Kirk has help more than a million parents navigating life with strong-willed or neurodivergent children.
Recently, Momcast host Demetra Ganias sat down with Martin to talk about Calm Parenting and strong-willed children. Below, read an excerpt of that conversation, and be sure to listen to the full podcast here.
Demetra Ganias: You are such a trusted name when it comes to helping us raise our children calmly, and it comes from your experience in your own family. How did it all begin?
Kirk Martin: It’s because I did it all wrong at first, right? I had a career military father, so all I knew was fear-and-intimidation, my-way-or-the-highway approach. When we had our first son, Casey, came out of the womb with boxing gloves on. He loved to argue. And I thought, well, just shut that down. But if you have a strong-willed child, you know they come back like five times harder.
And so what I finally realized was I can’t control my child’s behavior. So I really needed to lock in and learn, okay, how do I, as a dad, learn to control my own emotions, my own reactions when I get triggered?
And so it sent me on this path from, like, “How do you raise kids?” to “How do I actually grow up myself?” And then when I did that, ironically, Casey’s behavior changed because I first changed.
DG: Love that. What exactly is a “strong-willed” child?
KM: These are kids who wake up in the morning and have an agenda. They know what they like. They know what they don’t like. And usually what they don’t like is anything that you want them to do, right? They’re usually bright kids. They’re not always academically motivated because sometimes they’re very bored in school, but they have visions of things and they’re usually really intense kids. And when things go wrong, they react in an intense way.
DG: Are strong-willed kids similar to those with ADHD?
KM: I think they’re all intertwined…ADD, ADHD. There’s some OCD-kind of tendencies. Most of these kids you’ll find also have sensory processing traits, so they’re big sensory seekers. So they’ll tend not to play team sports as much but gravitate toward individual, very physical things: rock climbing, martial arts, swimming, ballet. You’ll find PDA—pathological demand avoidance—is kind of in here.
DG: Interesting. And you’re not really a fan of gentle parenting as a trend, right?
KM: You know, my generation, a lot of us came up under an authoritarian, my-way-or-the-highway approach. I think we’ve swung a little too far to the other side where now we just talk sweetly to our kids. And I’ll tell you that tone with a strong-willed child sounds patronizing and condescending. Even a three-year-old will be like, “Why are you talking to me like a little kid? Just give it to me straight.”
DG: So do you recommend time-outs or another parenting tool?
KM: So usually we come into the living room [when the kids are fighting]: “You know what? I buy you guys all these toys. You’ve got all these video games. You can’t even play well together for 20 minutes? You go to your room. You go to your room.”
And now we just sent our kids away from us, and that’s not discipline. That’s just getting them to shut up because it’s irritating, right?
And so what I prefer to do is change myself. I walk into the room—and I know this is a little weird, but I like weird stuff with these kids—so I lie down in the middle of the living room floor.
Well, what happens? The kids are going to stop squabbling and look at you like, “What are you doing?” See, now I’ve taken back control of that situation. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t lecture. I didn’t make them stop. And now I get to teach.
I’ll say something like, “Okay, I need two kids to come here and help me solve a problem.” And usually they’ll come over because they’re curious. And then I can say, “Hey, what just happened in here? I want to understand.”
Now, instead of me accusing them, they’re explaining what happened. And then I can say, “Okay, so what do we do next time?” And they usually come up with a better solution than I would have given them anyway. I’m teaching them how to solve problems. I’m not just punishing behavior in the moment.
DG: So much of this sounds like parents reshaping themselves…
KM: That’s right. Our biggest obstacle is often our own anxiety. When we slow down and change our reactions, we eliminate many power struggles. Something that could become a three-hour meltdown becomes a 12-minute adjustment.
Try this for two days: focus only on changing your responses instead of changing your child’s behavior. You’ll begin to see small shifts immediately.
This isn’t placating kids—it’s calling them to maturity. It says, “I believe you’re capable.” Strong-willed kids especially want ownership. Give them boundaries—but flexibility inside those boundaries. If homework gets done upside down on the couch, that’s okay. The goal matters more than the method.
DG: How about older kids and teens? Anything you find especially helpful there?
KM: Another key strategy is helping teens find a mission and a mentor—another adult they respect. Strong-willed kids often respond especially well to mentors outside the home.
DG: This insight has been incredible. Tell us where we can find more from you.
KM: Look up the Calm Parenting Podcast. Episodes are about 22 minutes long—perfect for the school commute.